


Take Me To Church

by wheniwrite28



Series: JenMish kisses [5]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Doesn't reflect real life, M/M, Monologue, No Fluff, Not really happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-08
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-11-11 08:12:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11144415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wheniwrite28/pseuds/wheniwrite28
Summary: This is an inner monologue of Jensen Ackles about Misha Collins.Heavily influenced by Take Me to Church by Hozier





	Take Me To Church

**Author's Note:**

> This is just me listening to this song and writing Jensen talking about Misha or their relationship

My lover's got humour  
She's the giggle at a funeral  
Knows everybody's disapproval  
I should've worshipped her sooner  
If the heavens ever did speak  
She's the last true mouthpiece  
Every Sunday's getting more bleak  
A fresh poison each week  
"We were born sick"  
You heard them say it  
My church offers no absolutes  
She tells me "worship in the bedroom"  
The only heaven I'll be sent to  
Is when I'm alone with you  
I was born sick, but I love it  
Command me to be well  
Amen, Amen, Amen  
Take me to church  
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies  
I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife  
Offer me that deathless death  
Good God, let me give you my life  
[x2]  
If I'm a pagan of the good times  
My lover's the sunlight  
To keep the goddess on my side  
She demands a sacrifice  
Drain the whole sea  
Get something shiny  
Something meaty for the main course  
That's a fine looking high horse  
What you got in the stable?  
We've a lot of starving faithful  
That looks tasty  
That looks plenty  
This is hungry work  
Take me to church  
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies  
I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife  
Offer me that deathless death  
Good God, let me give you my life  
[x2]  
No masters or kings when the ritual begins  
There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin  
In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene  
Only then I am human  
Only then I am clean  
Amen, Amen, Amen  
Take me to church  
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies  
I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife  
Offer me that deathless death  
Good God, let me give you my life  
[x2]

 

***

The problem with purposefully ignoring about something is that you have to think about it. I will tell you I was better at pretending, aren't actors pretending to be someone else, to be something else. Feel emotions that they don't own, to feel what the writer makes them feel, what director tells you to portray. I could tell you, I was so much better at so many things. Being a person that everyone wanted me to become. I could have told you my sins were less egregious than everyone makes them out to be. I wish I could I tell you I want to sin nonetheless. He is pure and perfection. Maybe it is just me who sees him that way. Maybe I am wrong.

Maybe I need to be clean myself, maybe this is wrong for me to be here, maybe, maybe... I am tired. I am exhausted. I am beyond reproach. I think I have reached a limit where I don't care. I want him. I have wanted him since the first day I saw him in his angel's costume, when he had come, all holy. I think my insides were same as the set, lights breaking, sparks flying. He etched himself in my soul. Maybe he put a handprint on me akin to what Castiel put on Dean. I am not Dean, I get to have him, I can. Can't I. Tell me, good god, tell me. I need some direction to this recklessness I feel. 

My soul feels tainted and stretched every time he looks at me. Every time I see his lips, the sin seems less sinful, it feels innocent, it feels like heaven. How could something so right feel so wrong. I hate that I feel the pull and I don't act on it. Don't you think, I get to love the same way everyone else. I know the logistics and problems and I know I suck at voicing what I feel but I see him and I know he feels the pull, he feels his soul tainted the same mine is. I feel so much, it is too damn much. I want to be free. I want to not think this crap about what this could if I would just stop thinking too much.

I should think of him instead, oh goddamn, he is a breath of fresh air, he is beyond anyone I have ever met, I could die, if I could just once taste those lips, I think that sacrifice will be enough for that one moment, one moment of heaven. What if his lips are what my heaven is, how would I ever survive him. I can't even fathom what does us mean, what does I never being able to be with him means. It would have been easier if he was a she, I think not, maybe this sin makes me want to try extra harder. Maybe I should. Maybe my fantasies are enough. My brain doesn't comprehend the ache my heart feels, it is rational in ways I haven't been. 

We are both actors, we are professionals. He is a guest star, maybe an affair is not going to hurt anyone. The faith echo of no from my heart tells me, I am in too deep already and we haven't even been properly been friends. 

I take out my guitar to strum something, to keep my mind of him. To reel in these emotions, I can. Can't I. I hear a knock on my trailer. 

Misha stands outside. He had been running. Maybe he feels the same way. He knows me on some elemental level that I can't seem to get myself. Maybe we are bonded by something stronger that is beyond earthly imaginations. He stands. Outside. Looking at me. I stare back. I plead with my head, he pleads with my heart.

I give in. He stands still. He has always been the one catching. I just never realised it before.

I was wrong, his lips are not heaven, my lips on his are. This is my heaven. This is what would destroy me and make me. I will take this death to find his heaven again. 

I have sinned and I will sin. Because if this takes me to hell, I will find him there, find my heaven. But here right now, on this earth, this sin gives me him.


End file.
